Are You Performing for Love?

Insights from May's subscriber exclusive live Q&A...

How do I stop performing for love, especially when I don’t even realize I’m doing it?

That was one of the questions sent in for my May live subscriber Q&A, and the moment I read it, oof, I felt it.

We talk a lot about “performing for love”, people-pleasing, masking our needs, chasing validation, but what happens when the performance is so baked into our nervous system, we don’t even realize it’s happening until the curtain’s already dropped?

This question took us somewhere big.

We talked about how so many of our codependent patterns live below the surface. We think we’ve worked through them, but then we wake up after another interaction where we shape-shifted, stayed silent, or smiled when we wanted to scream. And here’s the truth I shared with the group: if your survival strategy is happening on autopilot, it’s not going to change just because you understand it intellectually.

You can’t think your way out of it. You have to feel your way through it.

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How does intellecutalizing show up in your life? Let’s discuss in the comments—your voice matters here.

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So here’s your practice this week:

1. Choose one of your go-to behaviors (people-pleasing, avoiding conflict, needing to be liked, over-functioning).

2. Ask yourself: Where do I feel this in my body? (For me? It’s often a heat that rises in my chest and face, the signal that my system is activated, even when my words say I’m fine.)

3. Stay with it—breathe into it, put a hand there, soften. Don’t fix it. Just feel it.

4. And then ask: What mantra or phrase can I repeat to myself in those moments to remind me I’m safe to stay with myself?

Mine is: “I don’t abandon myself anymore.”

This is the kind of work we’re doing monthly in these live subscriber calls, soul-deep explorations of the patterns we carry and the tools that actually move the needle.

Thanks for being here. Let’s keep going deeper—together.