When You Feel Like the Parent in Your Relationship

And intimacy suffers because of it...

Reader Submitted Question: “Our dynamic feels off—I’m starting to feel more like a parent than a partner. How do we bring intimacy back?”

This is a question I hear so often in couples work, and it usually shows up subtly at first. One partner feels responsible for the emotional temperature of the relationship. They become the one who keeps things on track, regulates, comforts, advises. The other partner might seem passive, overwhelmed, or even resentful. And before long, the polarity is gone. So is the intimacy.

When one partner steps into a parental role and the other slips into a childlike position, it disrupts the adult-to-adult dynamic that intimacy requires. Attraction fades, resentment builds, and you start relating to each other from roles, not from your authentic selves.

What’s often underneath this pattern is an old story. Maybe one partner learned they had to take care of everything to feel safe. Maybe the others never learned how to self-regulate or advocate for themselves. These adaptations made sense in childhood, but in a partnership, they create imbalance.

If you’re the one who’s taken on the parent role, ask yourself: What part of me feels responsible for everything? What am I afraid will happen if I let go? And if you’re the one feeling like the dependent or the one being managed, ask: Where am I outsourcing my agency? Where might I be unconsciously reinforcing this dynamic by not showing up fully?

If this answer resonates or sparks something in you, I’d love to hear your take—leave a comment below so we can keep building this community of honest dialogue.

Real intimacy requires mutual respect and emotional responsibility. It asks both partners to show up as equals, to regulate themselves, to communicate clearly, and to honor each other’s boundaries. That doesn’t mean there’s never imbalance, but it means the imbalance is named, addressed, and shifted when it shows up.

Rebuilding polarity and intimacy starts with stepping out of these archetypal roles. It might mean letting your partner fumble a bit, or even failing miserably, instead of fixing it for them. It might mean taking initiative rather than waiting to be led. It might mean uncomfortable conversations about how you’ve both co-created this pattern and what it would look like to co-create something different.

Actionable Tip: Reflect on your current relationship dynamic. Are you showing up as an equal, or have you slipped into a familiar role? Choose one small moment to step out of that role this week—whether that’s speaking your needs clearly or resisting the urge to fix something for your partner. Intimacy begins when both people are in the room as their whole adult selves.