When Your Role Feels Like a Cage

Playing the same role over and over again can feel suffocating...

Reader Submitted Question: “Why does it feel like I keep playing the same part over and over again in every relationship?”

This is such a powerful question, and one I come back to again and again in my work, with clients, with couples, and within myself. Many of us unconsciously adopt certain roles in childhood, like the fixer, the peacekeeper, the golden child, or the invisible one, and then carry those roles with us into our adult relationships. Why? Because at one point, they kept us safe. They gave us a sense of belonging. They helped us survive.

But what once protected us can begin to limit us. Those roles start to feel like a cage instead of a strategy. You might notice yourself constantly managing other people’s emotions, even when it’s not your responsibility. Or maybe you always defer to your partner in social settings, afraid to fully express yourself. You might be the one who always “has it together,” who never needs help, even when you’re silently drowning.

The roles we play often stem from what was rewarded or punished in our early environments. If you got praised for being quiet and easy, you might still be shrinking yourself in relationships today. If you had to be the emotional caretaker to a parent, you may still be over-functioning in partnerships. These patterns feel familiar, and familiarity feels like safety. Even when it no longer serves us.

So how do we start shifting this?

First: name the role. Get curious. What’s the story you’re living out? When do you feel yourself slipping into that old identity? What are you afraid might happen if you step out of it?

Second: notice the payoff. Even our most self-sabotaging roles usually offer us something. Approval, control, predictability, connection. When you can name what you’re getting from the role, you can begin to explore other, healthier ways to meet that need.

Third: experiment with new ways of being. This doesn’t mean you have to completely abandon your instincts overnight. But it does mean challenging yourself to try something different. Speak up even if your voice shakes. Ask for support. Let yourself be messy. See what happens when you choose something new.

Actionable Tip: This week, reflect on the role you often play in your relationships. Journal on the questions: Where did this role originate? How has it served me? What is it costing me now? Choose one small moment to practice stepping outside of that role and see how it feels.

Got a question you’d love to see featured here? Drop it in the comments or submit it directly. Want your question answered live? Our next subscriber Q&A is happening July 29 at 6pm PT!