Growing Up with Emotionally Immature Parents

Understanding the Complex Legacy of Uninitiated Caregivers

Many of us grew up with parents who were doing the best they could (and some who were outright awful) while they struggled under their own emotional weight. This isn't about letting them off the hook for bad behavior, and it’s also not about blaming them for all of our struggles—many of our parents were not inherently bad people, but they were often uninitiated. In her book Women Who Run With the Wolves, Clarissa Pinkola Estés refers to a mother who, despite her age, hasn’t had the chance to fully evolve into her own emotional depth as the "uninitiated child mother."

The idea of emotional immaturity is an important one. Lindsay Gibson, in her book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, describes how these parents can fall anywhere on the spectrum of narcissism to codependency. The essence of this emotional immaturity is an inability to see beyond oneself, to recognize the needs and boundaries of others, and to tolerate discomfort without shutting down or lashing out.

Growing up with an emotionally immature parent means we might have felt we had to take care of their feelings, avoid upsetting them, or play a certain role to maintain peace. We internalized the idea that we must be responsible for others' emotions, often leading to a deeply ingrained fear of being “too much” or “not enough.”

The Cultural Layer of Emotional Immaturity
This emotional immaturity is not just an individual issue—it’s deeply embedded in culture. We all live within systems—patriarchy, capitalism, colonialism—that reinforce emotional suppression and a lack of initiation into our own depths. These systems create parents who are unable to fully engage with their own emotions, much less teach their children how to navigate theirs.

For instance, we might have been taught that emotions like anger were dangerous or unacceptable, especially for women. We were told, explicitly or implicitly, to “go to our rooms until we calmed down” or to “stop being dramatic.” We learned that being emotional equated to being out of control, and that our emotions were burdensome to others.

But here’s the nuance: we can understand why our parents were as they were, while also recognizing the impact this had on us. We can hold the truth that they were doing the best they could within their limitations, without dismissing the hurt or the consequences of their actions.

Reclaiming Emotional Maturity
The path to emotional maturity involves reclaiming the parts of ourselves that were suppressed or silenced. It means recognizing the places where we took on the emotional labor for others, where we hid our feelings, or where we internalized the belief that our emotions were wrong.

It also means learning to hold conflicting truths—to see both our parents’ limitations and their humanity, to feel both compassion for them and the anger or sadness for what we experienced. This ability to hold complexity, rather than falling into black-and-white thinking, is at the heart of emotional maturity.

Takeaway
Today, I invite you to reflect on your relationship with your emotions. Where did you learn that certain emotions were unacceptable? Where might you still be holding yourself back because of an unspoken rule you internalized from your family or culture?

Begin by allowing yourself to feel without judgment. Remember, your emotions are valid, and they are a part of your humanity—not something to be suppressed or hidden.

Want to Dive Deeper?
This article is just a glimpse of what we explored in my full-length workshop on emotional immaturity, family dynamics, and the impact of uninitiated caregivers. If you're ready to dive deeper into these topics and learn practical ways to reclaim your own emotional maturity, consider subscribing for access to the entire video and other exclusive content. As a paid subscriber, you'll be invited to join monthly live Q&A sessions over Zoom. The first session is happening on Tuesday, November 26th at 6pm PT. Let’s work together to break free from the patterns that keep us small.