What It Really Means to Hold Space
And how doing it can have a huge impact on our relationships...
What does it actually mean to “hold space” for someone?
It’s a phrase we hear all the time in relationships, in healing circles, even on social media, but most of us were never taught how to do it. And more importantly, many of us were never on the receiving end of it growing up.
In our recent Inner Compass Academy class, Sitting With People, John and I returned to the basics, what we call the “primary colors” of presence, and invited students to reflect on how we show up for one another when someone is hurting, unraveling, or simply trying to find their way.
What we found is that holding space isn’t about doing. It’s about how we be with someone.
Healing Happens in Safety, Not in Fixing
Carl Rogers, one of the fathers of modern psychotherapy, believed that people don’t need to be told what to do. They don’t need to be rescued or directed or corrected. They need to feel safe enough to find their own way.
He said that healing happens when three things are present:
Congruence – Being your full, honest self. Not pretending to be okay, not hiding behind a mask. Just being real in the room.
Unconditional Positive Regard – Holding someone in their humanity. Not because you agree with every choice they make, but because you see their inherent worth.
Empathic Understanding – Listening beyond the words. Hearing what’s underneath. Paying attention to the pause, the sigh, the subtle shift in energy.
You don’t need to be a therapist to do this. You just need to be willing to slow down. To be curious. To care without controlling.
What’s resonating for you? Share below, I’d love to hear from you in the comments!
Presence Is a Practice
Most of us weren’t raised to hold space, we were raised to fix, perform, and smooth things over.
We learned that silence was dangerous, that discomfort meant we were doing something wrong, that love had to be earned. So we became helpers, fixers, performers. We learned to do instead of just be.
But the truth is, presence is a discipline. And it’s not always comfortable.
It means staying grounded when someone we care about is in pain.
It means resisting the urge to offer solutions when someone just needs to be witnessed.
It means trusting that their process is unfolding…even if it doesn’t look how we think it should.
Sometimes, the most powerful thing you can say is: “I’m here. I don’t have answers. But I’m not going anywhere.”
The Depth Layer: Holding the Unknown
Depth psychology invites us to sit with the not knowing. To let go of black-and-white thinking. To trust that healing is rarely linear and rarely clear-cut.
As James Hillman wrote, the role of a spaceholder isn’t to solve the problem, it’s to stay with the mystery.
That can mean staying present while your friend weeps and says the same thing for the tenth time. It can mean pausing before reacting when your partner projects something onto you. It can mean letting your child struggle with something instead of jumping in to make it better.
As John said in our class: “Curiosity is greater than conclusion.”
And if that becomes your mantra, especially in the messy, in-between moments, you’re already holding space.
Actionable Tip: A Practice for Everyday Holding
The next time someone you love shares something vulnerable, try this:
Pause before you respond.
Ask yourself: Am I listening to fix, or listening to feel?
Instead of advice, offer reflection. Something like: “That sounds really painful.” or “I can feel how much that’s weighing on you.”
Then breathe. Stay with them. Trust the space.
Sometimes, that’s all someone needs to begin healing.