We love boxes. Labels. Categories that tie everything up with a neat bow. You’re anxious. I’m avoidant. They’re a narcissist. I’m a Taurus. That’s why I am the way I am. It feels safer when things are black and white.
But the truth is, everything exists on a spectrum. Even attachment styles shift depending on the relationship. I might lean avoidant with one partner and anxious with another. What matters most isn’t putting ourselves, or others, into rigid boxes. It’s noticing: What happens in me when I get activated in this dynamic? What does my body do? What’s my behavior? That’s where the work begins.
Too often, we weaponize frameworks like attachment theory, astrology, or even diagnostic labels as tools for blame instead of tools for self-understanding. But they’re most powerful when we turn the mirror inward. Not as a way to fix ourselves into something permanent, but as a guide toward deeper awareness.
And here’s the paradox: we return to activating relationships again and again, almost compulsively. Freud called it “repetition compulsion”, our unconscious drive to replay old wounds until we finally integrate them. But maybe it’s more than that. Maybe some part of us actually seeks out the discomfort, because our souls know that’s where growth lives.
I think about it like this: you can sit in a cave, free of triggers, and stay perfectly calm. But real transformation happens in the messy, unpredictable terrain of relationship. Every moment of activation is an invitation to evolve, to stretch into a fuller version of ourselves.
Next time you notice yourself triggered in a relationship, heart racing, voice tightening, mind looping, pause and ask: What is this moment showing me about me? Instead of pointing the finger outward, try turning it inward. That small shift changes everything.
Your turn: What’s one relationship pattern you’ve seen repeat in your life, and how do you make sense of it now?Leave a comment below, I’ll be reading and responding.
